Sunday, May 15, 2005

Victory Records is Hiring!

Dear Mr. Bummell,

My name is Ronny Little and I am contacting you regarding the receptionist vacancy posted to the Victory Records website. What an exciting opportunity! I have wanted to be a part of the Victory family as far back as 1989, when your Bulldog label first began humping the leg of the American Hardcore scene. By sending this cover letter, I am formally requesting consideration for the receptionist opportunity at Victory Records.

I can understand why you are looking for a new receptionist. I made a call to Victory HQ the other day, and the coat rack who answered the phone was completely useless. She couldn't answer any of my questions! When you ask someone who works at a hardcore record label who the singer for Negative Approach was, the answer should NEVER be "Negawhat?" or "Are you serious?"

I suppose that all of the inquiries you have received for this opportunity thus far have come to you with resumes attached to them. I've decided that it would be more "punk rock" to say screw the resume, just give me the effing job. It's not my previous experience as an On-air Producer for a Philadelphia Sports Talk radio station, or my years of experience as a professional in Public Broadcasting that is going to convince you that I'm the right homie to work the phones at Victory. So screw the freaking resume, okay? You're not going to get it, so stop asking me for it.

I may have gone to a little cow pie school in the middle of a cornfield in the middle of Pennsylvania, but my Hardcore education is top notch. Eighteen years of endless chatter about record pressings, scene gossip, and "who's tougher, Harley Flannigan or Richie Birkenhead" will finally pay off, preparing me for my true calling as the Voice of Victory Records. I have the knowledge to excel at the position, and as the former singer for Philadelphia's Rain On The Parade, I also have delivery skills to bring to the table.

The way I see it, a telephone is no different than a microphone. When it's in my hand, I have to be "on." I think you'll like my vocal range. I can answer the phone by screaming into it like Paul Bearer, or I can do a sing/talk/scream thing like Ian MacKaye does. OR, since I'll be on the phone anyway, I can do a little HR "Sacred Love" kinda thing. What do you think?

Anyway, just give me the job. I'm flying into Chicago on Tuesday. Clear 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. off of your schedule for our lunch interview. By the way, I'm a vegetarian, so choose an appropriate restaurant. Don't make me firestorm your azz.

See you soon,

Ronny Little
Future Receptionist
Victory Records

Responsibilities will include answering and directing calls, customer service, invoice processing, welcoming, escorting and catering to visitors, sorting and distributing mail, running errands, researching and booking flights for staff along with a wide variety of administrative and light accounting functions. The ideal candidate will have previous office experience, possess an upbeat, gregarious personality, high energy level, possess strong multi-tasking skills, owns and drives a car, competent with MS Office, especially Word and Excel and type 50+ words/minute. Full benefits after 3 months. Casual, ‘wear what you want’ environment. This position is for a solid, first class, effervescent person. Our last four receptionists have been promoted to other positions within the company. Fax resumes, along with pay expectations to: 312.873.3889. Position is available immediately.

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