Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dwid & the Big Box

I don't want to get in the habit of re-posting things that appeared in other people's zines, but I came across a story about Dwid while I was reading through my Radio Riot collection that was so funny I literally shit myself. Okay, okay...I was reading it on the toilet, so I suppose the result was inevitable, but still -- if you're an Intergrity fan and you never heard this story, I'm certain you'll enjoy it.

The following excerpt appeared in Radio Riot issue number 36, the last issue it published as of June 1994. If you've never read Radio Riot before, you're missing out. It's like sneaking into Matt Gard's (the editor) bedroom, and reading his Hardcore journal. Radio Riot, along with other zines like Combat Stance and Bullshit Monthly ( BS Monthly collection soon to be available through Hardware Media) were the inspirations behind what I did with Fuck You Fanzine. I always liked to think of Fuck You Fanzine as one part RXR, one part Combat Stance, and one part BS Monthly. But I digress. Enjoy the story.

(This story was originally submitted to Radio Riot by BRV Zine in Ohio. The name of the author and the meaning of the initials were never explained)

"This all occured about two years ago. At the time, Dwid was living with me, (sleeping on my bedroom floor). He was also dating this girl who lived in Euchid, Ohio. I think her name was Shannon. Anyway, her birthday was coming up and her friends were planning a party to celebrate it. Of course, they invited Dwid, and he in turn invited me. We were basically clueless, except it was on such and such a day and at such and such a time. Dwid figured since this was a birthday party, he had better bring a gift, but what? He'd only gone out with this girl a couple of times and didn't know this girl all that well.

We decided to go to Parmatown Mall in search of a present. In no time at all, we found ourselves in the middle of a Children's Palace toy store, trying out the crappy skateboards and causing trouble. Dwid became so involved with toys that he and I almost forgot about buying a gift. The party was the following night and we needed to find something really quick. The store was closing, so we made a mad dash for an aisle that had a bunch of close-out sales. Dwid's brilliant idea was to buy whatever came in the biggest box.

This turned out to be a Captain Power battle fortress, on sale for $25.00, no refunds or exchanges.

The thing was immense. I probably could have fit inside the box, it was that big. Keep in mind that he was going to give this to a 16 year-old girl. There was no use debating with him at this point, his mind was made up. We took the goddamn thing home and spent over a half hour wrapping it in newspaper. Time passed by and before you knew it, Dwid and I were knocking on Shannon's door with the monsterous package looming behind us.

One of her friends opened the door and told us to come in. The party was already under way, and consisted of about 30 friends and relatives. In we go with the battle fortress, and everyone takes notice. We're greeted with shouts of "wow! Look at that" and "hey Shannon, someone bought you a present." We realized immediately that no one else had bothered to bring a gift.

The night ended with Shannon opening her huge present. People had been speculating on the contents all night and were anticipating this moment as if it were the unveiling of a beautiful work of art. They didn't leave disappointed, I can tell you that much. You should have seen the look on her face. Complete confusion. Meanwhile, Dwid's laughing like hell and I'm turning so red as to be unbelieved. Chaos ensued.

On the way home, I told Dwid he probably should have bought her flowers, to which he replied, "I don't care, that was punk." He was right, but I don't think they ever went out again."

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