Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Hardcore Hair Club for Men

(From left to right) Your's Truly with Nate Clemmens of Atari, circa 1994 (when I had hair). Brett Barto of Atari was holding the camera. The picture was taken at Kutztown University in Nate's dorm room. We both used to live in Beck Hall. "Beck: Where the Freaks Are" was the dorm motto, I believe. Lots of punks, skaters, hippies, artsy kids. For a dorm, it was a pretty sweet place to live.

I was a member of the staff at Beck Hall my Sophomore year. At the end of the year, my boss gave out awards to each staff member. Mine read:

"Staff Member Most-likely to Let a Keg Go By the Desk -- Ronny Little."

As a staff member, I banged a girl I was dating in the study lounge once. I was working the over night at the front desk. She was in the lobby working on a design project in the middle of the night, as a lot of graphic design majors often did. When it came time for me to do an hourly round, I snagged the key to the study lounge, asked her to take a walk with me, and you can fill in the rest.

The next morning a friend of mine on staff, Chris, walked up to me at breakfast and said casually "soooo...who did you fuck in the study lounge last night?" Despite the fact that I was choking on my Fruit Loops when he asked, I played it cool.

I denied the charge up and down, left and right. The entire time, Chris was just sitting across the table from me with this smug little "gotcha" look on his face, folding his arms, stroking his chin, nodding in a patronizing way that was annoying me. Totally toying with me as I began to squirm. I think my best defense went something like "whatever Copper. You got no proof."

His response was to put a long, curly brunette pubic hair that looked very much like it could have been mine, onto my cereal. After another 90 seconds of intense interrogation, I cracked.

I wasn't aware that Chris had spent a lot of time in the study lounge. After I got busted, I went and took a look at the sign-out sheet, and it was pages and pages of his signature. Apparently, he had been in the lounge until midnight that night, and then was back down there the following morning at 7:00 a.m.

I had apparently left some, uh, forensics in the study lounge in the form of a condom in the waste basket (I know, what was I thinking) and a pubic hair on his favorite study table. Sensing something was amiss, Chris checked the sign-out log and saw no entries for the times between Midnight and 7:00 a.m. When he went to see which staff member was working the desk and would've had access to the key, all roads led to me. Busted.

Anyway, this picture reminded me of my Freshman and Sophomore year at Kutztown, when I had hair. As I hit my mid-20's, I noticed that my hair began migrating south, taking up permanent residency on my back and ass. What a bummer.

Anyone who wants to join the Hardcore Hairclub for Men, leave a comment. I'll get to work on the t-shirts and merch.

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